Fuck that.

I am going to work on beong emotionally dead now. Fuck everything, don’t expect, don’t get fucked. 

I bruise easily.

Maybe its because i expect too much. Okay, it definitely is. Let me elaborate.

*

I love amusement parks. LOVE them. You’re probably thinking, who doesnt?! right?

But they’re my happy places. And my city does’nt have one. Sad.

Anyway, we have a tiny amusement park type thing in a mall. And they have dodge ’em cars. And I’ve been whining about gping on them for six months now. And yesterday my friends all went tothat tiny.. and did the whole dodge em car thing too. 

I didnt go to the mall with my friends because I had work but then the least they could do was not do the dodge ’em cars.. right? 

Considering that’s the only thing I really wanted to do all semester. 

*

He promised he’d go with me. Bastard.

**

I think I’m hormonal. I normally don’t cry this much in a year.

*

He promised he’d try. After that big fat blowout. And I was ecstatic. 

Day before yesterday i asked him if he’d changed his mind about trying. After avoiding the question alot, he told me he cant .. try. He did go all.. ‘CANT WE BE FRIENDS?’ 

I was bawling befpre that but I think I stopped for a split second then. And I’m sure my face described the word ‘incredulous’ .. or ‘whatthefuckishesaying’. 

So he essentially told me that he likes being friends with me..after what five years of us knowing we’ll get married?

I asked him how I could possibly move on from that, and he told me that was my problem.

*

Bastard.

 

Hope.

Hope either leads to euphoria like you’ve never experienced before, or it crushes you. Again, and again, and again.

 

And you stand right there. Hoping.