I cried a lot just now. A WHOLE freaking lot.
*
Life’s funny. I was driving along, minding my own business, listening to music and chilling. Then, out of the corner of my eye I saw a bird swoop down and then I heard a light thud.
A light sickening thud which .. well. I can’t describe it.
I knew the bird hit my car, or the car had hit my bird: either way I was praying for it to be okay despite the odds. Constantly checking my rear view mirror, the more time I spent looking at it, the more convinced I was that it had flown away.
I reached my house, parked in front of my house and got off to open the gate. As soon as I got in front of my car I saw a dead bird.
And I cried. Alot. A lot a lot alot.
*
I’d done ten thousand different things today. I went to university in the morning. Had a meeting. Went out for lunch. Came back. Did an assignment. Went out again. From 10am to 6.30pm I’d been busy.
If only I’d spend one more minute at lunch. If only I’d spent one more minute in university. If only I hadn’t overtaken one car. If I hadn’t stopped at the traffic light. If I’d left university a little later.
I wouldn’t have killed the bird.
*
Mom saw me crying when I came in so naturally she was alarmed. When I told her the reason she shrugged it off.
*
Maybe its because a couple of years ago I saw a dead bird on the road – which had become roadkill. Maybe its because a saw its mate flitting about the dead bird chirping as loud as it probably could. Maybe I saw it fly away when a car approached and fly back as soon as the car crossed. I can’t get that image out of my head. Never have, never will.
*
I’ve seen what happens to people when their significant other passes away. They become hysterical. Flit about. Crying the whole time.
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I fucking killed a bird.
socomfortablynumb 