Blink of an eye.

I cried a lot just now. A WHOLE freaking lot.

*

Life’s funny. I was driving along, minding my own business, listening to music and chilling. Then, out of the corner of my eye I saw a bird swoop down and then I heard a light thud.

A light sickening thud which .. well. I can’t describe it.

I knew the bird hit my car, or the car had hit my bird: either way I was praying for it to be okay despite the odds. Constantly checking my rear view mirror, the more time I spent looking at it, the more convinced I was that it had flown away.

I reached my house, parked in front of my house and got off to open the gate. As soon as I got in front of my car I saw a dead bird.

And I cried. Alot. A lot a lot alot.

*

I’d done ten thousand different things today. I went to university in the morning. Had a meeting. Went out for lunch. Came back. Did an assignment. Went out again. From 10am to 6.30pm I’d been busy.

If only I’d spend one more minute at lunch. If only I’d spent one more minute in university. If only I hadn’t overtaken one car. If I hadn’t stopped at the traffic light. If I’d left university a little later.
I wouldn’t have killed the bird.

*

Mom saw me crying when I came in so naturally she was alarmed. When I told her the reason she shrugged it off.

*

Maybe its because a couple of years ago I saw a dead bird on the road – which had become roadkill. Maybe its because a saw its mate flitting about the dead bird chirping as loud as it probably could. Maybe I saw it fly away when a car approached and fly back as soon as the car crossed. I can’t get that image out of my head. Never have, never will.

*

I’ve seen what happens to people when their significant other passes away. They become hysterical. Flit about. Crying the whole time.

*

I fucking killed a bird.

Dis·ar·ray – A state of disorganization or untidiness.

People who write, sometimes get cravings to write. If those cravings are not satisfied, they face withdrawl symptoms. 

Ive been going through that for the past two days. Urges to write, and have kashmiri chaye. (Pink tea).

I usually write for two reasons. Either i wish to, or i need to. Like now, i need to write, My mind is overflowing with thoughts and emotions and if i dont write, there is unnecessary venting. Which obviously gets me in trouble later. 

So what i’m really irked about these days is why people take eons to realize that they like me. I had a crush on this guy for a looooong time. Literally half my life. And when i finally moved on, he had an epiphany that he loves me. And i think he actually just might. And i really dont want to hurt him even though he’s given me as much hell as someone can possibly give to a naive, love struck, idiotic little girl. He also dated my then best friend.

Then i got sort of committed. I was sort of ecstatically happy, But this other guy liked me. And he was .. different. But shit got screwed. I broke up with the super amazing guy because there was too much freaking uncertainty in my life, told the other guy to fuck the fuck off but he’s still hung up on me. 

There’s other people. But they hate me now, they’ve moved on. Which is well deserved i suppose.

Then theres the reason for all this piling up. I have this boy next door. Who technically lives upstairs. But who has time for technicalities right?

So anyway. We became friends. I had a mini crush on him. Just enough to be hanging in the window whenever he got in or went out. But then he said something along the lines of caring about me like a little sister. And if that isnt the best way to douse someones raging hormones, i dont know what is. 

Anyway, so i got over it, kind of. I set him up with my friends, my then best friend (who i got insanely jealous of at the time), did crazy things with him; all of which were normal best friend things, nothing weird, not to me atleast. 

Then he left, for stupid Canada. (No offence to the country, i think its really pretty) 

And then after what, three or four years, he whatsapped me. That he liked me. 

Which was just.. weird. 

And now he’s here. And i met him the day before. And it was SO much FUN. I’d missed him way too much apparently. I made him walk for two and a half hours. And i enjoyed every second of it. And then, when i couldnt be happier. He asked me to make a decision, about him and about us. 

The funny thing is, he’s a dick. LOL. And in a relationship!and i hate the girl cuz she’s such a loser, but thats not even the point. How can he expect me, to ‘fall into his arms’ or just i dunno.. Like him? Or date him? or ANYTHING!? I got over my crush soon after, and then he was my brother -_-

SO ofcourse i said no.ew. Because im used to pushing people away, and i’d have done the same with him. And i’d feel bad. Cuz at the end of the day, i do care about the idiot.

I said no, and he had to leave. So he left. 

I asked him to meet me today. And he was out with some girl. Took her shopping and then couldnt bail on her when i called obviously. So we didnt meet. Even though he’s only here for five more days.

I berated him a while ago. Proved how what he does, doesnt really go with what he says. How can you ‘like’ someone SO much and not express it at all except with words?

 

He’s calling, telling me he wont call again if i dont pick up, 

I have no intention to. 

*

Normally, i’m happy about being single. Its good. No responsibility, shackles, obligations.. nothing. 

But i went to this store today, and there were these adorable cards and gift baskets and pretty little things. And chocolates too but who gets someone chocolates. Ignore that statement. And a book looking thing with tiny strips of chocolates in it. And Victorias secret. And i wanted the boy, the boy i dated, to be there with me. And for a while there, i was just really low. 

*

I really need to drink that tea.