I need to break something..

I have a problem. I get too attached. To people. To inanimate objects. To animals.
But that’s not a problem in itself now is it? The problem is that these things are finite. Ephemeral.
They. Don’t. Last.
Fuccckk.

*

I have like three girl best friends. One of them went to my favouritest place with two of my other friends and didn’t bother asking me. So make that two girl best friends.

*

This guy called me monstrous and sickening the other day. He told me I’m the worst person on the planet, and that I completely screwed him over, and that I essentially, single handedly, ruined his life.
I was befuddled – to say in the least. I don’t think I’ve ever been called so many bad things at once – especially from someone I had a super high regard for.
It was eating away at me. And I FINALLY found out the reason yesterday and I was essentially dying to tell the ONE person that I actually talked to about all this.
So I told him. He was all ‘what?! No way.. who told you!?’
And when I told him how I knew – he went ‘oh I knew already’.

*

I don’t think I’ve been that hurt in a long, long time.

* 

I get it. Someone made him promise not to tell anyone. But I was going crazy in my head about it. I was up three nights in a row because of that bullshit. I talked to ‘my secret corridor’ for a whole night about this. He KNEW how important this was for me. And he ‘pretended’ not to know.

*

When I told him I hated him for not telling me, he told me ‘I needed help’

*

So. Fucking. Amazing.

*

Moving on.

F.r.i.e.n.d.s

I think all I’ve ever wanted, socially, is a group of friends. One group, with people who are friends with each other and make plans together and takes trips together and celebrate little things and just be friends.

And somehow I never got a group. School was fragmented people and politics. University was fragmented people and politics and while we did become an amazing group at the end of it, it clearly wasn’t made to last.

People have started working, there are sub groups everywhere and people have moved away. The sub groups come first. New people. New circumstances. The group is dead.

I’ve always been trying to keep the group together but now I’m done. Completely.

I don’t have a group and I don’t even have a sub-group to fall back on.

I need new friends? Who’ll ask me to come with, if they plan a trip. Or go to a concert . Or go out shopping. Or at least include me in their plans.

However, I think it might be too much to ask for at this point.

*

Sighs.

* 

Things I’ve learnt from life (aaaand really need to follow.)

1. Don’t speak unless spoken to. Unless you’re with a shy unknown type person. Be a better listener than you are a speaker.

 

2. Don’t ever laugh at others. Unless it can’t be helped :p even then, try not to.

 

3. Don’t ever be there for people who aren’t worth it. For me its been the hardest since I’m the * be there for everyone* type. But trust me it’s the worst thing you can do to yourself. 

 

4. Always feel blessed. There are always at least three people in the world who love you unconditionally. Treasure that. Revel in that. Make it your safety net.

 

5. Always make time for people who you think are worth it. They might need you and you might not know it. How would that make you feel later?

 

6. Don’t overestimate or underestimate people or yourself. They can surprise you. Big time. And you can actually do most of the things you set your mind to. And if you’ve got a talent, tab tau scene is on 😀

 

7. A guy and a girl can NEVER ever be good friends. period.

 

8. Never make commitments that you can’t keep. Even if you’re 99% sure that you can keep it, its still not good enough. you’ll end up hurting people. 

 

9. Be nice to EVERYONE. A smile, a look of respect, talking very politely? won’t matter to you, might make someone’s day.

 

10. Never trust someone with everything. It will come back to bite you. and THAT will hurt.

 

11. It doesn’t matter how LONG you’ve been friends with someone. Old isn’t necessarily gold. Your oldest friends can change priorities dramatically and don’t be surprised if you’re not one of them.

 

12. Don’t lose your religion. Ask God for help whenever you need it. He is the most gracious and the most merciful.

 

13. Be honest. With everything. In everything.  It’s the one thing that’ll save you alotta trouble.

 

14. Don’t wait around for people*. If they’re making you wait you’re obviously not one of their top priorities. Why make them yours?

(*best friends, significant others etc)

 

15. Smile and laugh. Be high. Smiles and laughter: contagious. Cost nothing and make you look better.

 

16. Always respect your elders. Contrary to your obnoxious beliefs, you don’t know everything. You may be right occasionally, that still doesn’t give you the green signal to shoot your mouth off or disrespect them.

 

17. Read. You learn a lot. Read newspapers, things your friends write, blogs and notes etc.

It’ll give you a better insight into people. And life.

 

18. Help someone out. Make someone feel special. A compliment, giving someone a hand, a piece of gum( no matter how hard that may seem :p), or even a nice text can do wonders.

 

19. Never lose hope. Even when you’re at rock bottom. You can only go up from there. And if you’re not at rock bottom yet but going there steadily, well things always get worse before they get better :p

 

20. Don’t watch sad movies. There is enough sadness in the world without us having want to want it intentionally.

Do you stop?

You’re all rushing. Hurrying away. Like cars on an expressway.

You’re probably with lots of people, all walking as fast as you.

But you want to stop. You want to stop, and catch your breath. You want to look around. Re-valuate your life. Are you going in the right direction?

If you stop. You’ll fall behind. They’ll all move on. Your comfort, your security will be blown away. They’ll leave you behind.

 

The question is, do you stop?

Enroute to becoming a recluse.

I miss my best friend.

I normally don’t actually get into the whole ‘best-friend’ thing, after two very sad experiences.
Basically, in my opinion, try not to rely on people. Try not to get them under your skin. Try, to keep your distance. That is the key to not getting screwed over.

Let me start from the beginning.

I became friends with a really amazing girl. Selfless, caring, beyond loving, sweet, naive, fun and honest. I meant it when i said amazing.

We spent the better part of two years together, going to university together, baking together, jamming together, everything, essentially.

I was sick once and she got me flowers and chocolate! And i wasn’t even mortally ill or anything, JUST a bit under the weather.

She was a year senior to me, so she graduated. And we didnt have to meet as much. Hell, we didnt HAVE to meet at all.

 

And that’s exactly what happened. We didn’t meet.

 

*

 

I was in a different city over the summer. She messaged me a billion times to come back so we could meet up. I came back and told her we should meet up whenever she has the time. (Her life is like a whirlwind of activity, so prior appointments need to be made).

But she never got free.

I’m the kind of person, who listens. My problems, are generally  my problems. I never go around telling people. Even if i’m really depressed, I’ll keep it inside me till i get proper depressed.

She always made me tell her. She would know if something was amiss and she would ask until i told her. And then she disappeared.

So I kept everything inside, and it kept building up till it nearly enveloped all the happy that is me.

 

*

 

She came to university to ‘supposedly’ meet me. She came five minutes before my class and I cried when i saw her. She asked me why i’d blocked her on whatsapp. Even though it made no difference, since we barely talk. Then i went to class. She socialized, and i went out with my friends.

*

That was the last time we met.

 

*

 

Fine, I have issues. I should understand that people can be busy. I should understand that she had to meet certain people, and not me, because i wasn’t up her ass. I should understand that people have different priorities. I should understand that some people get close to people that they have to hang around with, and then ignore their existence once that hangout phase is over.

I should also understand, that people dont take the term ‘bestfriend’ too seriously. And that relying on people who aren’t your family, or significant others, is stupid.

*

How do you not miss someone though?

 

Happy birthday love.

Hi.

I don’t know if ill send this to you. Probably not. I don’t think I have the guts.

I miss you. More than any other friend that isn’t a friend anymore. More than alot of other people actually.. Happy birthday loose.

I don’t know how stupid I was back then, or how immature, but I’d like to think that I’ve grown up. I realize, that you’re one of the nicest people ever.. no scratch that. Youre amazing.

You probably dont wanna hear from me, I mean why would you? Ive been a complete bitch to you haina? I wouldn’t wanna hear from me either if I were in your place.

Thankyou for everything Mr. Loose. Thankyou for the company, the being there despite me being a first rate ass, for caring more than I can describe, and for trying to give me the happiness that I sure as hell didn’t deserve back then.

I miss you, I swear. A lot.

Happy birthday pretty boy. I hope your year is amazingly amazing. I hope you get all the success in the world. And I hope that someday, you’ll find It in your heart to forgive me. Proper wala.

If there’s anything at all.. that I can do..

Italyyy!!

Imagine. Another country, No parents. Beautiful men. Wait, verryyyyyy beautiful men. The fashion capital. Gorgeous country side views. Sounds like heaven right?

 

That’s what i thought! Wrong. 

I think going around the world is amazing. Wanderlust. But, there’s no place like home.

*

So I’m in Sarzana, Italy, for an internship. Its at a summer camp with kids. So the job description was nice, teaching the children english and going around Italy in our spare time. What the description failed to mention that the kids dont speak a word of English! I mean… yeah.

The first two days were exciting. I spent like a 100 euros, but i suppose that’s okay, right? I had a crap taxi driver, who charged too much and went around in circles, I slept in a room with nine strangers in a youth hostel, met an asian looking canadian who talked like OH MY GAWDD, Like, TOTALLYYY!!! Missed a train, went around Milan with the sweetest polish girl ever and had slush! :D, got on the wrong train, met two Pakistani men who were the most considerate people ever and went to my station to drop me when i got lost and then waited alone at the station for someone to pick me :O, went to a random boys house and played with his cat 😀 CAAAATTTTT 😀 and then finally got to my destination. 

 

Then, the kids came. OH MY GOD. We work 8-12. That’s 8am to 12pm. No joke. And the kids don’t even like us because WE DON’T COMMUNICATE WITH THEM!

But I climbed a mountain, fell into a river, and got to play with the cat again. I also learnt to say PLEASE WEAR SOCKS ON YOUR FEET (per favore indossare calze! PIEDE!) in italian. Which is a big achievement for me. And Be right Back 😛 (Torno subito) And other things too but nvm.

*

The best thing about the internship is the four friends I made. They’re adorable. Liliana from Mexico, Janice and Cherry Wong from Hong Kong (I like how that rhymes) and David from Colombia! We hide together, bitch about the russi, and laugh like crazy people, which makes everything better 😀 

 

I think friends always make things better ❤

 

 

 

Memory or imagination?

Remember that time when everything was okay? No wait, better than okay..

Remember? When it was us against the world? Did that happen? Or are we just a figment of my imagination? Were we real, or was that just a dream?

Come to think of it, can such contentment be real? The happiness that I remember, can that be real?

If its real.. what happened?

Happiness comes in all shapes and sizes. (<lol)

It feels good to have friends who’ll stick around. Like, really really good.

These are the people who will fight with you and flirt with you and call you ugly one day and beautiful the next. They will travel a few hundred kilometers to meet you, wake up if you really want them to, spend hours comforting you if you’re down and make fun of you when they’re bored. They’ll tell you hilarious stories, update you about their hopes and dreams, ask about yours and give you advice, endlessly.

 

If you have people like that, consider yourself very very lucky.

LOL stories.

Where was i? Why yes..

4th grade – I told him that i liked him. Boy, that was an awkward conversation.

5th grade-  He made me read Harrt potter. We planned a storyline for a book that we would write.

6th grade-  I bunked my first class. He bunked with. I felt so badass. 

7th grade-  I left school. Wrote to him, nearly everyday. He replied once.

8th grade-  He wanted to date my bestfriend. I set them up. Cried lots.

9th grade-  Didnt talk to him much. He moved on.

10th grade- I dont remember, which means, nothing happened.

11th grade- We were in the same school again. There i was, hopeless, awkward, and crazy about him.

12th grade- We went to watch a movie. He sat with me. Happiness. 

12th grade- He started hanging out with another girl. Alone. In corners. Forgot me. I didnt really care, cuz i was over-ish him by then but still. 

12th grade- Tried saying something nice on the farewell dinner. Couldnt say much. 

1st year of university- Didnt really talk much.

2nd year of university- Bitched about me to his friends, Said awful things, AWFUL. We stopped talking.

3rd year of university- Confessed to be in love with me. LOL. As IF. Too bad I never really loved him.

 

LOL.