I need to break something..

I have a problem. I get too attached. To people. To inanimate objects. To animals.
But that’s not a problem in itself now is it? The problem is that these things are finite. Ephemeral.
They. Don’t. Last.
Fuccckk.

*

I have like three girl best friends. One of them went to my favouritest place with two of my other friends and didn’t bother asking me. So make that two girl best friends.

*

This guy called me monstrous and sickening the other day. He told me I’m the worst person on the planet, and that I completely screwed him over, and that I essentially, single handedly, ruined his life.
I was befuddled – to say in the least. I don’t think I’ve ever been called so many bad things at once – especially from someone I had a super high regard for.
It was eating away at me. And I FINALLY found out the reason yesterday and I was essentially dying to tell the ONE person that I actually talked to about all this.
So I told him. He was all ‘what?! No way.. who told you!?’
And when I told him how I knew – he went ‘oh I knew already’.

*

I don’t think I’ve been that hurt in a long, long time.

* 

I get it. Someone made him promise not to tell anyone. But I was going crazy in my head about it. I was up three nights in a row because of that bullshit. I talked to ‘my secret corridor’ for a whole night about this. He KNEW how important this was for me. And he ‘pretended’ not to know.

*

When I told him I hated him for not telling me, he told me ‘I needed help’

*

So. Fucking. Amazing.

*

Moving on.

Back to my really depressing reality.

An essence is basically defined as ‘the intrinsic nature or indispensable quality of something, especially something abstract, which determines its character’.

The synonyms are interesting: quintessence, soul, spirit, ethos, nature, life, lifeblood, core, heart, centre, crux.

So what is your essence? Think about it. What is it that makes you, you? What is it about you, that defines how you do things, that defines how you live your life.

Some people are impassive, uncaring, phlegmatic, selfish and self absorbed. And it is clear as day, for anyone to see. In their day to day dealings, in the way they act: In the way they are.

Other people are the opposite. They care, they are kind, and selfless, and altruistic and selfless. And it feels warm being around them because they make you privy to their heart.

He was second one, always. Emphasis on the was.

*

I told you I loved you yesterday.

(Always a stupid idea, in retrospect)

I also told you I didn’t understand. When I was being a bitch, you were head over heels. And now that I’m back to being the girl you fell in love with, you’re telling me to fuck the fuck off.

You were really mean. You said you were going to hit me, that you have never been more annoyed, and you told me i was a ‘fucking annoying little moron‘ and what not.

*

I cried my eyes out, naturally. How pathetic. But in my defense, you were really, really mean.

It’s like you don’t have a heart anymore, like you’ve lost your essence.

*

I had a really really disturbing dream. Been having lots of those lately. Yesterday was particularly creepy.

You were in my room, walking towards me slowly. I was happy, because you looked shamefaced, repenting. I thought you would apologize.

You walked over, to where i was lying in bed. And you started pressing my heart with both your hands, restricting my blood flow.

I was trying to scream, trying to tell you that I’ll leave you alone, that I won’t talk to you, and that you’re not this person.

But I couldn’t, there was no air in my system. I was choking and suffocating to death. And you didn’t loosen your hold, not even for a second.

In that pandemonium, I woke up. My throat was constricted and I could feel the diminutive pressure on my chest.

*

I don’t know whether dreams are symbolic of reality, whether they’re a warning or whether they are just a muddled up version of our thoughts. I’m hoping against hope that its the third one.

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