musings .

*to love is to sacrifice*

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*The only thing I remember about you is that we were going to write the next Harry potter*

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*Not every girl can claim to have recieved a ‘run away with me to the US where we can get married’ letter. Even fewer can claim to have gotten it in fifth grade*

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*I don’t think I can ever lose weight. No matter how much I workout and how much I diet*

Hes just that into you.

If,

1. He wants your attention at all times
2. He thinks you’re adorable
3. He wants to meet up as much as possible
4. He likes looking at you
5. He finds excuses to touch you
6. He does things to make you smile
7. He wants you all to himself
8. He gets super jealous of other guys
9. He tells you things that he doesn’t tell anyone
10. You’re #1 on his priority list

He’s not into you if,

1. He talks to you onlywhen he has nothing better to do
2. He expects you to be there but can’t make the effort to reciprocate
3. He doesn’t want to meet a lot because he likes his space and who wants to see the same face all the time, am I right?
4. He doesn’t care about the little things that matter to you
5. He doesn’t really like talking about himself
6. Hes completely unreliable
7. He doesn’t want to commit
8. He can’t say the L word (or can’t hear you say it)
9. You’re not his priority
10. Making you smile is just something he does when he’s bored

Okay soo

Hi.

I miss you.

But I can’t text you.

Or send you pictures.

Or whatsapp you.

Or call you.

It’s super sad.

Bye.

Something wrong.

I don’t know what it is but there’s something wrong with me.

For the past ten – fifteen days, I’ve been having issues with my health. I randomly get fevers (I have one now), I got a very very very painful yeast infection where my body was producing cottage cheese (LOL). I had constipation that lasted for days. Hurt so much. I have issues with my balance which I haven’t ever had. I woke up with excruciating pain in my head and left arm – where my arm was completely numb, lifeless and hurt like a bitch on fire (as did my head) – so much that even though I tried going downstairs to my room, I couldn’t make it past ten stairs. That’s how dad found me, sprawled across the stairs with tears streaming down my face. Since I’m the kid who barely ever gets sick, he freaked out and we spent the next four hours in the hospital.

*

Yesterday I had a shooting pain in my chest. I’ve had chest pains before but that’s normally indigestion. This one was very very weird and my heart was in overdrive.

Somehow it occurred to me that I may be having a heart attack. Obviously it probably wasn’t but I went to my fridge where mom had posted an article on what to do in case of a heart attack and read while my body was sweating like a fat person in a sauna. (I don’t normally sweat. Ever.)

It said to chew and swallow disprins (aspirins) and so I did. My heart was still in overdrive but the shooting pains subsided.

Weird.

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Do pray for me, if you pray ok? Thanks.

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Everyone asked me how I was doing. I NEVER go to hospitals. No one has EVER told me I needed an MRI. I was freaking the fuck out. And your text that I wake up to? ‘When can I pick up the kitten? My sister says it might get too big’.

I told you why I was having issues giving the kitten away. I told him a billion issues that were the reason. But wow. Of all the thoughtless insensitive things to do.

*

Come pick the kitten up whenever the fuck you want but I’ll make sure I’m not home at that time then.

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Everyone asked. Everyone who knew. Uttering a silent thanks. <_3. _=”_” p=”p”><p>* </p>

</_3.>

I have the heart of a two year old.

He took my white kitten. I asked him for just 4 more days but he didn’t listen.
So now it’s gone. And I’m going to keep crying till my heart breaks. Or maybe I won’t but it sure feels that way. 

*

It came when I called. It slept with me. It slept on my lap. I asked my mom if I could keep it and she said no. My selfish sister couldn’t even convince her for me.

*

Grief.  So much. So so so much grief.

Because.

‘You won’t get it’..’let it go its too complicated for you to understand..its technical’.

I hate such sentences. I hate them. Like someone studied math and I studied business so does that make my brain incapable of understanding anything related to math or engineering? No. I’ve always thought that I’ve got a technical brain. Probably because my dad always explains whatever I ask – no matter how complicated.

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You’re cute. You explain everything to me and that’s the most adorable thing ever. No matter what it’s related to, you take out the time and talk to me like I’m smart. Which is something that’s just very adorable.

Thanks. ❤

Blink of an eye.

I cried a lot just now. A WHOLE freaking lot.

*

Life’s funny. I was driving along, minding my own business, listening to music and chilling. Then, out of the corner of my eye I saw a bird swoop down and then I heard a light thud.

A light sickening thud which .. well. I can’t describe it.

I knew the bird hit my car, or the car had hit my bird: either way I was praying for it to be okay despite the odds. Constantly checking my rear view mirror, the more time I spent looking at it, the more convinced I was that it had flown away.

I reached my house, parked in front of my house and got off to open the gate. As soon as I got in front of my car I saw a dead bird.

And I cried. Alot. A lot a lot alot.

*

I’d done ten thousand different things today. I went to university in the morning. Had a meeting. Went out for lunch. Came back. Did an assignment. Went out again. From 10am to 6.30pm I’d been busy.

If only I’d spend one more minute at lunch. If only I’d spent one more minute in university. If only I hadn’t overtaken one car. If I hadn’t stopped at the traffic light. If I’d left university a little later.
I wouldn’t have killed the bird.

*

Mom saw me crying when I came in so naturally she was alarmed. When I told her the reason she shrugged it off.

*

Maybe its because a couple of years ago I saw a dead bird on the road – which had become roadkill. Maybe its because a saw its mate flitting about the dead bird chirping as loud as it probably could. Maybe I saw it fly away when a car approached and fly back as soon as the car crossed. I can’t get that image out of my head. Never have, never will.

*

I’ve seen what happens to people when their significant other passes away. They become hysterical. Flit about. Crying the whole time.

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I fucking killed a bird.

I need to break something..

I have a problem. I get too attached. To people. To inanimate objects. To animals.
But that’s not a problem in itself now is it? The problem is that these things are finite. Ephemeral.
They. Don’t. Last.
Fuccckk.

*

I have like three girl best friends. One of them went to my favouritest place with two of my other friends and didn’t bother asking me. So make that two girl best friends.

*

This guy called me monstrous and sickening the other day. He told me I’m the worst person on the planet, and that I completely screwed him over, and that I essentially, single handedly, ruined his life.
I was befuddled – to say in the least. I don’t think I’ve ever been called so many bad things at once – especially from someone I had a super high regard for.
It was eating away at me. And I FINALLY found out the reason yesterday and I was essentially dying to tell the ONE person that I actually talked to about all this.
So I told him. He was all ‘what?! No way.. who told you!?’
And when I told him how I knew – he went ‘oh I knew already’.

*

I don’t think I’ve been that hurt in a long, long time.

* 

I get it. Someone made him promise not to tell anyone. But I was going crazy in my head about it. I was up three nights in a row because of that bullshit. I talked to ‘my secret corridor’ for a whole night about this. He KNEW how important this was for me. And he ‘pretended’ not to know.

*

When I told him I hated him for not telling me, he told me ‘I needed help’

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So. Fucking. Amazing.

*

Moving on.

Ending or happy ending.

Is it a happy ending when it comes with a list of things that you’re supposed to do, a list of dos and donts. Dialogues of ‘you are expected to do xyz because that’s what is expected. You are expected to make breakfast and do this or that or abc and xyz’

So I have to do things that I would love doing, not because I want to or because I would love doing them. I will do those very things because it is ‘expected’.

*

You use the wrong words all the time. About things that actually matter so much. And the one time I used a word with no better synonym, it was oh so inappropriate.

*

Happy ending. :’)

Fight or flight?

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You say I love fighting right?

I’m defensive. At all times. With everyone. Except people I let in. Things changed for us. Atleast they did in my head. But you’re still stuck somewhere else.

*

If you’re going to make stupid assumptions and if you’re going to fight on tiny little things like ‘phrasing’ a word correctly, then what exactly are you expecting?

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I have to make a conscious effort to not get angry. And if you keep poking me and aggravating me. And not having even a tiny bit of faith in me. And assuming the worst where I’m concerned.. what are you really expecting?

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I thought you were the kind of person who would never make issues out of stupid, tiny things. Especially if their consequences are this bad. I thought you understood situations. And I really did think you were the kind of person who’d let stupid things pass because you were smart like that and knew when it wasn’t bloody worth it.

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I think you like fighting and confrontation way more than I do.

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Just. Fucking. Perfect.

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In other news, I’d been wanting to go somewhere for more than a year. And my plan got cancelled last minute. Because my kitten is ugly. And because I clearly don’t understand other people’s priorities. And because I’m selfish and I think my own shit is more important. And because if someone tells you why they can’t go or why it’ll be hard, they aren’t “excuses”, they’re “reasons” and because I clearly dont understand why those reasons were so important – even though I do. Lol.

This is just too much.